A funny tale…that just happens to be true


Looking up at my bedroom ceiling, my eyes tried to find patterns among the little nooks and crannies that were a permanent part of the decor. Our minds naturally look for patterns among chaos so I identified a little bunny here, a face or two there, a couple dragons flying over a mountain in the corner and a few other woodland creatures. Something was nagging at the corner of my mind but I was willfully pushing it away because it required movement. I had just left the hospital about a week prior but my body was stubbornly holding fast to an overabundance of H2O. Consequently, moving my leg six inches was a Herculean achievement.

If you have never experienced the critical threshold of your bladder or bowel then allow me to illuminate you on how important timing and calculation can be when a decision must be made. My bladder was at critical mass, meaning the threshold was about to rupture if action did not occur immediately. Still, I pondered whether I could turn over and catch a few more zzz’s or if my cozy, warm bed would soon resemble a water treatment plant. Movement was going to occur soon whether or not I participated in it or not so I decided to take action. Now, I just had to convince my pain-filled body to move with the timeliness that my bladder demanded due to my procrastination.

Dragging my heft to the side of the bed was never an easy task so I always waited until the last possible moment. Panting and sweating with many grunts and groans announced to my bladder that I had made it to the edge of the bed, flopped my legs over the edge and then sat there cheering myself on for the next part. The cheer session was brief because I was at critical mass so…I stood. Usually, I would pause to make certain my legs agreed with my brain, steady myself and only then proceed with my first step toward the bathroom. Well, The Pause, did not occur as my bladder was shouting its protest for any further delay.

Slow motion is a funny anomaly because every piece of data is being recorded at an incredibly speed driven rate but our minds perceive the elements of the event in slow motion. Without thinking, I moved my upper body in response to thinking my leg had indeed taken the step I ordered it to take. Apparently, it did not get the memo because now I was in free fall. Before I knew it, I had lost my balance, hit the bed at full force. An aside to further paint the perfection of this environment, my bed was very soft due to equipping it with two pillow top cushions to take as much pressure from my arthritic body as possible. Yes, having a bed akin to the Princess and the Pea did not achieve maximum wisdom in my current health predicament but it did provide superb bounce to mass ratio! Yes, I achieved some serious airtime as my buttocks reached the level of the box springs resulting in a massive launch from the massive recoil. A double pirouette into a secondary bounce on my marshmallow bed ended in a fast roll off the end of the bed, expertly landing on my knee then diving head-long into an over-filled trash bag I had sitting there. Thankfully, my shoulder slammed into an old fan I had in the bag bringing my roll to an abrupt halt! Another aside, my health had been in a rapid decline for two years previous but I had ignored the severity of it until it the Lord said, “You will not ignore this” and I ended up in the hospital. Due to that stubbornness, my housekeeping desire had been eliminated but my sister had been there the previous week and helped me get some of the junk bagged up for the garbage. Those garbage bags now lined my bedroom. I had no idea they would eventually serve as my ‘airbags’. My very first thought as I lay among the overfilled garbage bags was, “This is going to make a great story!”

Now, one must remember the initial reason I was getting out of bed…the threshold had been met. So, here I am on the floor trying to figure out how to get up without calling the fire department. I decided my best chance was to drag myself over to my bed and try to gain height from pulling myself up onto my queen sized marshmallow bed while using my feet to push my over ample mass upwards. Have you ever tried to gain purchase on a platform in constant flux? Well, trying to grab the bedcovers, the mattress pads, pillows, and blankets felt like swimming in warm fuzzy marshmallows so gaining any purchase filled me with hope and that little bit of energy to keep trying. I would rather have laid there and died rather than call the fire department to hoist my heft from the entanglement of blankets, garbage bags and possible waste so I was not giving up. It was a journey and climb worthy of planting a Mt. Everest flag! I made it! Now, I realize there is no way on earth I would have gotten up off that floor without the Lord’s angels hoisting me up but that is an army I do not mind lending a hand as I could not hear them snicker.
Okay, I was upright again and I was still dry. I could not believe that my bladder had endured all that nonsense and still maintained its poise. I promptly but agonizingly slowly groped my way to the bathroom, which was only about 10 feet away. Taking my rightful place upon the throne, I awaited a release akin to Niagara Falls but noooo…just a tiny trickle! Are you kidding me?

Grrr…Yes, I actually growled. Okay, back to my bed. I couldn’t wait to lie down, as now my entire body was pulsating in pain. I made the return trip without further acrobatics. Once again sitting back on my bed, I began to assess the damage. Bumps, bruises and extra soreness that negated any benefit from the rest of the night before. However, I was impressed with the combo bounce of my edema engorged abdomen and my comfy bed, the smooth roll right off the edge and finally, the one point landing.

Disappointingly, spider man, superman, nor batman came from the shadows to rescue me. After all, what if it were a cliff? At the very least, I thought the dust bunnies, whom I have allowed to live and thrive would have banded together to spring to the rescue but the cowards hid in the safety of their corners. They probably were afraid of being crushed into their atomic components. I have contributed so much to the dust bunny empire over the years; a little gratitude would have been nice!

In all seriousness, God is good and he rescues us at every turn…even from ourselves. All we need do is ask.

This happened in 2015 but I stumbled across it as I was cleaning up my computer files. It gave me a chuckle so I wanted to share. I am in a better place now and I have a home health aide so my acrobatics are minimum…but not eliminated. I just have a larger audience with more people joining my path and my heart!

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A bit of Levity…


A Night in the Life…
By
Tina Blackledge
Based on true events!
April 20, 2008

Beyond the normal hazards of delivering newspapers, I have a tale to tell that might shock, horrify, and intrigue you. A motor route had I (and that is scary enough with these gas prices) and I took my wares out every night slipping them quietly into the boxes of slumbering customers.

The night was dark as pitch, rain was falling in sheets, and a dense fog hovered just above the road’s surface to create a scene that would have made Stephen King shiver. Everything looks peculiar at night with twisted trees lurching out at you, silhouettes of giants lurking around every turn, and inebriated drivers testing your mettle. But nothing compared to what I found this night on Saylor School Road!

There I was driving with due caution because of the slippery roads and the darkness that greedily swallowed most of the illumination radiating from my headlights. The need for caution increased as the dense fog rolled over the road hiding the familiar curves and twists of the pavement. My eyes strained to see any unexpected hazards but my brain could not have imagined the scene my eyes focused upon as the fog cleared.

Hundreds of tiny white and green lumps covered the road like a carpet. My mind raced. Eureka, my mind locked on the answer, frogs hundreds of frogs dotted the road. It looked as if they were meditating with chests thrust outward and heads tilted up to soak in the falling rain. It appeared as if they were worshiping some ethereal goddess of the elements that is until they noticed that my car and I were bearing down on them.

Chaos hit and frogs went flying as my car made contact. It was only after I heard the sickening pop under my tires did the full realization of the carnage hit! Some frogs were so entranced by the falling rain that they never had a chance. Others ducked as my car sped over their lucky heads but their neighbors were not so lucky. All I could see were tiny little mouths agape as if in a silent scream, eyes bulging in horror. As one tried to jump out of the path of my vehicle it ended up on my windshield trapped by the swish of the wipers. Our eyes locked as if in some B-grade movie and I watched as his eyes bulged while his tongue caught under the blade dragging his poor little body back and forth without mercy. Thankfully, he lost his grip and went flying into the night. The dense patch of frogs was only about 100 feet long and then they cleared enough that I could swerve out of the way missing most of them.

It was only after I turned around at the dam and headed back down the road did the true realization of the slaughter sink in. Lets face it, when a Hyundai Accent filled with newspapers meets a few hundred soft-bodied frogs the battle is pretty much one-sided. I stopped before the field of death to discern the best path through the little broken bodies of frogs that were gathering. Some frogs were still meditating unaware of what had just occurred but others were all too aware. Some were so distraught at the loss of loved ones that they jumped into my headlights while others dragged useless back ends to the side of the road. Others were recognizable only as spots on the road.

This time I navigated the best path through the frogs to minimize further senseless slaughter. The rest of that night, I kept a watchful eye to the road dodging and weaving in hopes of missing the little amphibians. Alas, I pulled into my parking space at home but found it difficult to rid my mind of the pop, pop, pop that haunted my senses. Take heed for there is much more than deer, bear, and drunks that can cause you problems in the middle of the night. Oh yes, the frogs are watching and keeping tally of their popped brethren hoping they will not be next. So when you are driving down dark country roads keep a watchful eye to the road and beware the meditating throng of green frogs with white bellies!!

Sunday, April 20, 2008, 8:33:54 AM