Fur Babies

I love dogs with all that I am but I had a problem with this term, fur baby, when it first became vogue. I am still not thrilled about it and I am reserved when I apply it to myself but others, who are critical, must understand it is a term borne of pain. For those of us who have not been blessed to have our own children must find ways to repurpose the endless well of love we have been given from our creator. Certain things happen within our beings that require our nurturing, loving souls to find a recipient to receive all that we must give. Even those who have had the awesome privilege to love a child as their very own find that they feel a deep loss when that child becomes independent.
I will speak of my own experience in an attempt to avoid causing offense or pain to another. My “furbabies” are dogs. I love them each with every inch of my being. I am deeply grateful for each dog I have had the honor of welcoming into my heart. I know God has placed each into my life for a very specific reason and I am convinced I would not be motivated to get out of bed if my dogs did not need my attention. They provide unconditional love, put up with my crabby moods, look at me as if I am the most amazing person to ever live, and they forgive…everything. They are marvelous creatures who know only loyalty, courage, and a depth of love humans have never achieved.
Does that mean my arms have stopped burning to hold a tiny child, who stares up at me in wonder and amazement? Has my heart stopped yearning to pour my love and devotion into my child? Daily, my ears strive to hear a little voice caress my soul with a single beloved word, “Mommy”. A small, chubby hand grasping mine to find safety and security or to lead me to his or her newest discovery will only ever happen through the love I lavish upon my niece and nephews. Thousands of spilt tears and hundreds of thousands more yet to fall for children I will never have, for those who belong to the ungrateful and undeserving, and for all who have been snuffed out before they were able to draw a single breath are added to the unseen ocean of grief. Dried up, useless breasts will never nourish my child as that time has long since passed. I believe that was the hardest day in my life, when I knew the possibility of cradling my baby in a fierce embrace was no longer possible.
I filled this void by working to fix other’s broken children. I advocated and protected other’s children from the evil of this world but my home was a tomb in its deafening silence until I was able to welcome a “furbaby” into my life. Over the years, my dogs were the only things that have come close to filling the void of an empty womb. I spoil my dogs rotten, I love them endlessly, and I consider them a permanent part of my family. We, who possess furbabies, have found an outlet to pour all the unused mothering and nurturing that eagerly sought a home, a soft place to land. Dogs only want to be loved and my heart needed to love them so it is a perfect match.
Naturally, I am describing all the soft, warm fuzzy parts of being a mother to a human child in the full knowledge that much heartache exists within that same glorious miracle. There is no sharper pain or deeper agony than that of a mother’s or father’s heart as she or he watch their child suffering without the ability to help. My words would never diminish the double edge sword that is the reality of becoming a parent to a human child. Traversing my descending years, I find myself more grateful than sorrowful that my only “children” have been of the canine variety. The only sorrow of welcoming a dog into one’s heart is the day you must say good-bye. I have had to say farewell too often to both the human and canine loves in my life. Yet, that is reality. Great love will always birth greater sorrow while branding you with the refusal to deny the opportunity to have had this miracle. As for me, I am grateful for the children, who I loved, but who will forget me. And for the “furbabies”, who never forgot me and whom I have woven into the strong heart and soul they helped protect and build, gratitude is not an adequate term.

Hence, if you lavish judgment like a fool or offer condemnation like an ass then I pray you will learn compassion and a degree of understanding that will enable you to look beyond your own walk upon this Earth. Yes, look beyond your own steps and glance to the left and right to see how your brother and sister stumbles, crawls, and grasps for the strength to claw their way forward in this unforgiving world. Look through Jesus’s eyes instead of your own to see the love keeping those struggling in pain and suffering moving forward.


Reconnecting with the Creator


Lay back, rest in my arms. I use a cool cloth to dab the heat and exhaustion from your brow, along your face, over your lips. Nothing else, just holding you and telling you how much I love you as I tickle your face with very light traces of my fingers. My back rests against the shade tree and you sit casually between my legs with your head resting between my breasts. We both are wearing light gauze shifts that gleam brightly in the evening sun.

“Rest, my love. Look around at all our God has gifted us in this one moment of time and just enjoy every sensation that discovery allows you. Think upon the eternal and not upon the present. See the slivers of paradise we have been gifted.” I whisper ever so slightly in your ear as I continue to wipe your hot flesh with a cool cloth. Your breathing is steady and so is mine for we are not trying to kindle a passionate sexual response. No, we are trying to transcend our physical bodies to become one with the energy all around us, which is strong, beautiful, obvious, and subtle. Time does not exist here so we can linger as long as our spirits require. That is what I want to give you, peace, relaxation, love, whispers of love, no demands, no urgings, just being completely comfortable with one another.

We recline upon a grassy bank under a huge shade tree as a babbling brook travels a path it has been carving for hundreds of years. Ducks quietly dip under the water to grab a bite to eat while their ducklings imitate their parents in such comical haphazardness that we laugh together. A cool breeze keeps us comfortable and we soak up all the wonder creation has to offer. The ducklings end up swimming in crazy circles trying out their new webbed feet creating a family dance that is akin to chaos but they are having such joy in the pursuit.

A delicate fragrance of the lily of the valley is carried on the breeze and it caresses our senses. Joined with another wave of lilac, rose, and gardenia, I think. It is not overpowering for each fragrance arrives in singularity as if riding its own strand of wind so that we can enjoy the nuances of ever flower completely.

The sky is incredibly blue with wispy white clouds streaked across the sky. It looks as if someone has pulled a ball of cotton into thin layers and placed them across the sky. Bird song signals that life is going on around us and we soak it all in. So many different songs are filling the place with enchanted melodies that we dare not speak and break the atmosphere of bliss. Instead, we sit here feeling each other’s presence but also feeling every piece of energy flowing in, out, and about us. It feels almost like the pulse of our blood coursing through our veins as the energy moves in and about us. It is electrifying and exhilarating. I am willing this moment to last for all eternity as it is serene, it is glory, and it is pure joy.

No words do we utter, for we just want to be a part of this idyllic scene. Instead, I place my hands upon your chest and lead you in deep inhaling, holding it, and then slowly exhaling. Again and again we repeat this pattern until every nerve and cell in our body is ready to receive all the new and wonderful information that is being sent our way. Now, we have joined the cycle and rhythm of the creation around us. Our life force moves in and out of one another but then goes beyond to join the dance of energy within every living being in this sanctuary.

We are there, in the moment, watching life happen. Nothing intrudes upon us and we become one with our surroundings. Small animals scurry about as if we are not there or if they have determined that we pose no threat. Birds land beside us to choose a particular twig that would adorn their nest perfectly. Occasionally one or two might choose the same adornment and have a bit of tug-of-war with it but one usually resigns and goes off to choose another.

The chattering of chipmunks and squirrels signals a minor debate amongst them but it is only comical to us, for there is no real conflict as the resources seem to be never ending in this place. Clean, clear, cool water runs freely and abundantly, the vegetation is lush with all sorts of edibles. A variety of fruit trees adorn the edges of the forest. I choose an assortment of these perfectly ripe peaches, apples, mangos, dates, plums, and a variety of nuts and black grapes before we sat down. Now I am feeding these fruits to you as you enjoy the view. Each fruit is perfectly ripe and dripping with sweet nectar but I catch every drip down your beautiful chin.
At the base of our shade tree I suggest we lay on a blanket I brought with us so we begin switching positions. You lie behind me and I lie with my back to you. You casually lay your arm across my waist and I interlace my fingers with your own. No words, no speaking, no sexual advancement, for this experience is to be in the moment without straining our energies in any way. Just being connected and yet still free to experience the scene around us in a way that is special to us as individuals and as soul mates. We need nothing from one another, for our spirits are communing with creation directly. We are just there to share it with one another and add our own spark of creation to the scene.

The last vestiges of sunlight filter down through the large green leaves of our shade tree l kissing our skin with the gentleness of butterfly lighting upon us. Its surreal in its perfection.
Nothing disturbs us, not even our own thoughts. We just enjoy everything that our senses are recording and allow them to document every nuance, every tiny detail from the small ladybug taking flight from the tip of the daisy petal to the spider repairing his web for the night’s hunt. A pine cone, heavy with seed, falls from its parent across the stream, scattering its seeds upon impact. The sound of its impact is not harsh; it is a climatic sound of life beginning anew. The impact sends a shower of pine nuts bouncing from their protective armor. A flurry of hurried activity commences as birds, chipmunk, squirrels, a field mouse and even a skunk come to claim the prize of the fresh fallen bounty.

A bird or two come and claim a seedling carrying it off to distances unknown. After the commotion, a small grey squirrel comes out to play with the pine cones and we laugh as it sneaks up on it and tackles it, rolling over and over again. Finally, it tumbles head over tail, down the bank and landing with a great splash into the water below. A rampage of irritation could be felt as the little squirrel protested loudly but it soon recovered, shook itself dry then began playing with the cone again.
About 10 feet away and to the left, a family of soft brown rabbits arrived to munch on the crisp green clover. They do not notice us or they have determined we are not a threat, for they begin to nibble happily. The young ones are hopping high into air playing with one another.

They run about their parents in what seems a chaotic manner but they are happy. They stop only long enough to grab a clover and quickly munch it down. Their parents savor each bite they consume, glad for the rest and the delicious meal. They seem to especially like the purple flowers within the clover bed as they consume them in abundance.
A couple of the baby bunnies tumble into the stream and hop quickly out as if shot from a cannon. We laugh aloud by the shock to the poor bunnies. They shake the excess water from them and now look like a child who is covered in mud but smiling ear to ear with delight.

It is an experience, and they are having fun. They quickly begin their play dance again.
To the right of us, and a little behind us, we hear a larger animal moving through the growth. We have no fear, for there is nothing that will cause harm here. We just wait to see what it to be revealed to us.
Deep orange and black colors push through the undergrowth to reveal a magnificent, fully grown male tiger. He is glorious as he stands and surveys the scene. There is a moment of pure silence as he announces his arrival then lumbers to the stream to drink his fill. Amazingly, the sounds of the grove renew themselves as if none of the others felt threatened at all. The beast plods off to our right and reclines as if to join us in our appreciation of the creation.

No danger, no fear, just being with one another; however, the energy in the grove has intensified to a level that skirts with that pain-pleasure threshold. A bit more noise from the direction he had just arrived reveals his lovely Tigress followed hurriedly by three cubs. They, too, drink and then join the male to enjoy a relaxing afternoon.

Two cubs tug their sire’s ears and one goes at his tail. They are mock growling at him and he is overly tolerant with their play. Occasionally, he will hold one down with his giant paw as it tries to wriggle from his father’s grasp. The tigress grabs one cub at a time and bathes them with long strong strokes of her tongue. Everything here is in unity, no stress, everything is in balance, and everything is as perfect just as our Creator intended. Suddenly, the tiger family decides to leave and lumbers back into the forest.
We are given this great gift to renew our spirits and we are trying desperately to experience everything. Soon, a stag deer emerges to drink from the stream. He is beautiful, carrying a mighty rack with no less than 30 points atop his head indicating his age, strength and virility. He paws and snorts making an unknown communication to our senses but then several doe join him at the water’s edge. After he drinks, he lifts his massive head and surveys every corner of this haven while his does have their fill. His power is intimidating but not threatening to us. Once the does finish, they begin milling about grazing on the tender grass and sweet clover. Remarkably, everything they consume never dwindles; it is just there until their need is filled. Once satiated, they hop across the stream to lie under a large long needled pine. The fallen pine needles provide a soft bed for all of them. Two of the doe are heavy with fawn. It will not be too long before they give birth. For now, they relax and the Stag stands guard until they are all reclined then he too goes to his knees to relax but with ready alertness.

He looks at us directly, intently, an unspoken agreement passes between he and us. Neither will bother the other and we can all enjoy this glorious place. The daylight wanes and ignites the sky in glorious shades of purple, pink, orange, red, and deep blues. It is glory. As the sky grows dark and the moon dances off the surfaces all around them. The filtered moon glow through the leaves of their shade tree caresses their skin illuminating the life spark within. It is so pure, so wonderful, that tears spill from their eyes as bliss claims them. No words are needed. He slowly and gently slides his hands to her breasts with no demands, just as a way of comfort to both of them. He cradles her softly, gently, lovingly. He kisses her neck then slowly lifts her shift from her frame, folds it up and places it under her head as a pillow. He does the same for himself and then lays back down and draws her closer to him. He turns her to lay her softly upon her back so he can stare into her eyes and she into his. Still there is no demand, just love and adoration pouring from one soul to the other. Total and complete merging of the spirit. He tenderly kisses her lips, then each erect nipple in turn. His erection signals his desire as it presses into her belly. His touch is exquisite but neither of them needs more at this point. They are reveling in the peace, love, and joy they have discovered here and would do nothing to break that reward so he lays down beside her and draws her into his protective embrace. Her head rests upon his chest and is lulled to sleep by the steady beat of his heart. They have become part of this moment in time, part of this swirling, vibrant, and abundant energy. The night envelops them allowing them to fall into deep slumber.


What is this blog all about?

Have you ever had the flu, injury, or ailment that you thought would never go away? Have you ever suffered to the degree that you earnestly believed that you would be better off dead?  Just when you thought you could not take it anymore, relief came in the form of medication or with your immune system kicking in and fixing the imbalance. Well, think of that time just before you experienced the hope giving relief and you may understand the life of someone who is disabled and/or in chronic pain. Whether you are that person yourself or you know someone who suffers to this degree then this blog might appeal to you. The purpose of this blog is too offer insights I have learned along the way, share stories of faith and hardship, or just to swap positive coping mechanisms.

I have an abundance of experience, knowledge, and education that will help me offer you a compassionate, if virtual, ear. I will offer whimsical stories as well as serious information that will aid you in a various topics. I have been a high school history teacher, a care-taker for a disabled parent (37years) and a therapist (non-licensed). I am a person of great strength of character and resolve , which has helped me overcome a learning disability (dyslexia), physical disability (rheumatoid arthritis from age 5), a person who suffers with chronic pain, and who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I have earned a BA in history and an MS in human services with a self-concentrated study in childhood abuse and violent sexual predators.

I love painting landscapes with acrylics. I also love animals, children and writing. I am currently writing three books in different genres and for different audiences; however, that takes time and I wanted a more direct and immediate way to help people. As a result, I thought I might try the blogging venue and attempt to help as many people as I can for as long as I am able. So, if you are experiencing any kind of pain (emotional, spiritual, or physical) or know someone who is  then my fervent prayer is to be able to offer you the possibility of understanding and hope.