Fur Babies

I love dogs with all that I am but I had a problem with this term, fur baby, when it first became vogue. I am still not thrilled about it and I am reserved when I apply it to myself but others, who are critical, must understand it is a term borne of pain. For those of us who have not been blessed to have our own children must find ways to repurpose the endless well of love we have been given from our creator. Certain things happen within our beings that require our nurturing, loving souls to find a recipient to receive all that we must give. Even those who have had the awesome privilege to love a child as their very own find that they feel a deep loss when that child becomes independent.
I will speak of my own experience in an attempt to avoid causing offense or pain to another. My “furbabies” are dogs. I love them each with every inch of my being. I am deeply grateful for each dog I have had the honor of welcoming into my heart. I know God has placed each into my life for a very specific reason and I am convinced I would not be motivated to get out of bed if my dogs did not need my attention. They provide unconditional love, put up with my crabby moods, look at me as if I am the most amazing person to ever live, and they forgive…everything. They are marvelous creatures who know only loyalty, courage, and a depth of love humans have never achieved.
Does that mean my arms have stopped burning to hold a tiny child, who stares up at me in wonder and amazement? Has my heart stopped yearning to pour my love and devotion into my child? Daily, my ears strive to hear a little voice caress my soul with a single beloved word, “Mommy”. A small, chubby hand grasping mine to find safety and security or to lead me to his or her newest discovery will only ever happen through the love I lavish upon my niece and nephews. Thousands of spilt tears and hundreds of thousands more yet to fall for children I will never have, for those who belong to the ungrateful and undeserving, and for all who have been snuffed out before they were able to draw a single breath are added to the unseen ocean of grief. Dried up, useless breasts will never nourish my child as that time has long since passed. I believe that was the hardest day in my life, when I knew the possibility of cradling my baby in a fierce embrace was no longer possible.
I filled this void by working to fix other’s broken children. I advocated and protected other’s children from the evil of this world but my home was a tomb in its deafening silence until I was able to welcome a “furbaby” into my life. Over the years, my dogs were the only things that have come close to filling the void of an empty womb. I spoil my dogs rotten, I love them endlessly, and I consider them a permanent part of my family. We, who possess furbabies, have found an outlet to pour all the unused mothering and nurturing that eagerly sought a home, a soft place to land. Dogs only want to be loved and my heart needed to love them so it is a perfect match.
Naturally, I am describing all the soft, warm fuzzy parts of being a mother to a human child in the full knowledge that much heartache exists within that same glorious miracle. There is no sharper pain or deeper agony than that of a mother’s or father’s heart as she or he watch their child suffering without the ability to help. My words would never diminish the double edge sword that is the reality of becoming a parent to a human child. Traversing my descending years, I find myself more grateful than sorrowful that my only “children” have been of the canine variety. The only sorrow of welcoming a dog into one’s heart is the day you must say good-bye. I have had to say farewell too often to both the human and canine loves in my life. Yet, that is reality. Great love will always birth greater sorrow while branding you with the refusal to deny the opportunity to have had this miracle. As for me, I am grateful for the children, who I loved, but who will forget me. And for the “furbabies”, who never forgot me and whom I have woven into the strong heart and soul they helped protect and build, gratitude is not an adequate term.

Diego2

Holly 5

Hence, if you lavish judgment like a fool or offer condemnation like an ass then I pray you will learn compassion and a degree of understanding that will enable you to look beyond your own walk upon this Earth. Yes, look beyond your own steps and glance to the left and right to see how your brother and sister stumbles, crawls, and grasps for the strength to claw their way forward in this unforgiving world. Look through Jesus’s eyes instead of your own to see the love keeping those struggling in pain and suffering moving forward.

Holly2

Sam Easter 2013

 

Trees

It has finally started to cool off here for autumn. I do love autumn although each season holds its own joy and glory. God gives us so many gifts if we take the time to see them and experience them in full. I love the way the trees change in every fashion. The leaves changing from every hue of green to a spectrum bursting with every color mankind can perceive. They reach the apex of their existence, pulsating with the crescendo of their entire lives into one final display of beauty. Their final act is the graceful descent of each leaf to the forest floor where they will provide life sustaining nutrients to the next generations. But it is not only the leaves that change. If your hand caresses the trunk or branches of a tree in all four seasons you will feel a distinct difference in texture and tension in the bark. in Spring, it is velvety and supple as the water has been drawn through its roots to nourish the leaves, seeds and fruits of any given tree. The river of water is being drawn up into each vein until it reaches the canopy. That gives the tree flexibility needed for growth. The summer season solidifies it’s strength allowing it to withstand the fierce storms that serve as threshers of the weak or those whose roots have not dug down deeply enough to hold fast to the earth.

Autumn is not a prelude to it’s death or long sleep as many perceive it but it is a culmination of two seasons of growth, fruition, experience, and hardiness. It is during autumn that the tree is able to spend everything it has collected in an effort to prepare for the next generations. It is spending considerable effort to build storage wares for the long winter ahead, deny nutrients to parts of itself that have proven weak, destructive, or useless. Everything is moving at a slower pace but the strength is building. The perseverance and fortitude is at an all-time high because it does not have to prepare for the possible as there are only inevitable occurrences in its lifecycle. Of course, there are always outside forces that could interrupt, change or halt its progression in some manner but it only knows to continue. If cut down, its stump will bud. If insect or disease hit then its seeds have already carried its lineage forward to places far from harm. If drought or flood should move in then it may retreat until the environment is welcoming once again but it always moves forward, beyond the now into an uncertain and unknown future because that is what it was created to do. Even if its wood is used to create something for our use, it is then transformed and its life has more meaning than it had to begin with. Consider how many important choices are made by mankind sitting in a wooden chair at a wooden table. Life never leaves the tree regardless of what transformation it undergoes.

Yes, autumn finds the tree a bit more ridged. Its bark is rougher and the water rivers within it have slowed down. No longer will its life blood flow just beneath the surface; instead, it is retreating to a depth that will allow the nutrients to sustain the tree but make it durable against the cold that promises to come. The smell of the wood and fallen leaves is not one of rotting decay as one would encounter in a bog, marsh or swamp but a retreat of life that is simply blown by the wind. The fragrance is now mature, a rich seasoned wood odor that fills the senses with comfort and sense of security.

The branches are losing their flexibility and instead are becoming stalwarts of strength to sustain the cold to come. There is usually a lull in storms during this time so that it has opportunity to build defenses against the winter storms that will come. By the hour of the first snow fall the bark has turned to armor. It is ready to face the brutality of the winter gale keeping it’s precious lifeblood locked securely within. Branches no longer bend with the storms; instead, the tree groans against the onslaught. It’s creaking can be heard clearly as it buffets the bitter winds as you lay comfortably in your warm cozy bed made from one of it’s brothers…perhaps?

Twigs and even branches that could not hold on another moment bounce haphazardly atop your roof tapping upon your windows entreating you for respite. Nevertheless, you remain snuggled beneath piles of warm blankets awaiting the cessation of the howling winds. Once the storm has passed and you might think you would find disaster after the tempest …they remain, the trees, although battered, remain. You pull back your curtain revealing an ice laden window pane. Blowing upon it creates an oval birthed by the warmth of your breath. Your eyes are filled with the snow and ice laden landscape. The crown and glory of which is surely the grand trees holding millions upon millions of ice diamonds within their branches. God fashioned beauty created from chaos and a monument to his utter majesty and love.

There is silence. Silence so complete, so loud that it hurts your ears. The tree stands proud for it has withstood time upon time of life’s endless joys and heartaches, abundance and want, life anew and death replenished. It is a monument glistening as if from some ethereal plain in a majestic culmination of its existence. The trees have seen it, experienced it, known it and are certain of certainty. There is no tomorrow, there is only now and we must work as diligently in the today as we are not given tomorrow. The trees teach us much if we listen, if we see, if we pursue to know more beyond ourselves. They are a gift of knowledge and experience if we stop long enough to listen.
Of course, that only speaks to the tree itself and not to all the lives whose existence is dependent upon it’s survival. Some have learned to grow and change with the tree itself knowing that a symbiotic relationship with it is one that is the most beneficial to all. Others only take without giving and still others are only interested in destroying what they cannot understand or have for themselves. The saddest of all are those who are blind to the beauty, strength and majesty of these glorious gifts to creation. I am grateful for the trees and my ability to see beyond only me.

A Mountain, Two Dogs and a Field of Reefer…

 

 

A fork, a crossroads…a choice upon our path is always disconcerting if we are seeking the Lord’s will in earnest. Some folks perceive every choice in their life as monumental and claim an inability to make any decisions as their default setting. This, of course, is a cop-out to avoid the responsibility or consequences of making choices.  They look toward others to make the decision either voluntarily or by default then subsequently have a scapegoat. That person can stroll through life never accepting any responsibility for their choices be they good or bad. Others will deflect self-blame by crying good or bad luck as the culprit for their life path. These are people with lost purposes and will look in any direction to see if another appears to know where they are going. These are people I liken to salmon swimming upstream. Everyone else is moving in that direction, in mass, so they feel as if the group must know where they are going. Hence, they scramble to follow the crowd only to be snatched up by the hungry bears waiting with open jaws to devour them.

Thank you, but no, I will not fling my future toward the dictation of fortune tellers, astrologers or anyone else’s opinion of what choice I should make. The only exception of this is that of the Lord’s will and purpose for my life. Christ’s divine purpose for my life is the only thing that steadies my steps.  Once you discover your purpose then very little that Satan can throw at you will knock you off your path. Sure, it won’t stop him from trying and there are times you will be barely able to crawl upon it but if you understand why you are here then nothing can ever keep you from moving forward. That is not to say that there may not occur long pauses where the pain is just too great to move forward…too intense…too soul wrenching to even breathe but you will eventually move forward IF you choose to take that next step.

I have written on different aspects of this topic before as previous life events unfolded and I was faced yet again with the opportunity to obey or disobey, to move forward or stay stuck, to be courageous or succumb to weakness. There always seems to be a critical choice of obedience occurring within my life pertaining to my health journey. My blog readers are familiar with the ups and downs of my chronic illness journey and this year does not disappoint. As in the past, insurance snafus, medical providers and overall human fallibility has given me opportunity to ponder if it is indeed time to raise that white flag of surrender.

Not speaking about heroes who sacrifice their lives to save another but about the human populace in general, it takes much more courage to live than it does to die. Death, especially if you are a Christian should not scare you in any manner. Your confidence should rest firmly in the Christ given salvation that has opened paradise for you.  All fear should be eradicated from your heart and mind, if you are saved. However, if you are not saved then I recommend you try to live forever. Seriously…don’t die if you are not saved.

Saved or not saved, living takes courage because life is hard and often painful. There is beauty, happiness, joy and some even find their soulmates allowing them to taste the best version of love we humans can experience. If you suffer chronic illness that promises to degrade your body without taking your life immediately then it becomes a battle not to embrace the sweet thought of release that death will bring. Some of you will see this as a suicidal statement because you are ignorant of true suffering or the promise of paradise. Or, you could be ignorant of both. Truthfully, I pray there are many more of you who do not understand what I am speaking of rather than the scales tipped in the opposite direction. There is only one way to truly understand the blissful thought of what I am speaking and that is to suffer…unendingly and in exponentially explosive increments throughout your entire life.

Every time one of these pitfalls appear upon my life path, my humanity clutches to the idea of rejecting all modern medicine and the hoops through which our corrupt medical system requires the ill to navigate.  I have my core peeps who patiently listen and encourage me as I “go off” on another idle threat of retreating to a remote mountain cave with my two dogs, my Lord and a healthy crop of reefer to live the rest of my life out. Now, to be utterly frank, I have never, nor will I ever indulge in drugs so they know when I threaten ‘to chuck it all and live my final days as a hermit’ that I am just letting off steam. Faith is not for wimps, just ask Daniel or his friends. Joseph, Job, Peter, Paul, Mary or Martha would all be good folks to sit down with for a while and complain about how hard it is to live the faith.

Trust and obey. Two tiny words in type but are Everest in meaning and in effort to fulfill. Love the hymn of the same name but until you have attempted to live out these two words through the path of suffering then they remain just words. Have you ever had to fight with every ounce of courage, intelligence, fortitude, attitude and perseverance for something you fervently did not want? The very idea of obtaining that for which you were striving was actually nauseating? It is sort of like needing six root canals performed and you had to fight your insurance to get them accomplished. You fight to get it while dreading the “win” because you know you need it but do not want to take the journey to get there. More accurately, you do not want to do the suffering promised as the prize for your win. Yet, doing nothing or not fighting will cause greater, progressive pain that will ruin your entire mouth full of teeth. This is the closest I can come to in explaining my sentiments about my predicament concerning my intermittent health coverage. I must fight everyone to get adequate palliative care in order to keep the diseases at bay that would quickly ravage my body if the needed medications are absent for any period of time. Well, this was my crossroads this month. Choose to find another doctor in my insurance’s network in time to provide those medications or go find that mountain. Since it is a specialist, it usually takes at least three months to get in to see one. The Lord did it in one; therefore, I will only be without the needed medications for one month instead of three to four. An undeniable blessing to be sure but the struggle to get the proper health care had me throwing up my arms in mock defeat as this is just the latest in a long series of events outlining our shoddy healthcare system. You see, it is not that I fear death in any way but I know death will not come quickly. Instead the diseases will quickly take advantage in this lapse of care and cause suffering. Suffering and I are old friends so I am not even really fearful of that but where my concern bubbles up is whether my actions, words or thoughts will strengthen my testimony or weaken it. Will I be able to walk the talk? Will I use the suffering for God’s glory? Or will I fall into my base humanity and throw in the proverbial white flag opting for my mountain side view of my reefer field?

I know with all my heart and soul this fork in the road is really a straight path, for I know what the Lord expects of me and I will forge ahead trying hard not to complain. I know many opportunities lay before me to share my testimony, experience, and knowledge with others who may just be starting their own journey of suffering with these diseases. God has shown me again and again that every single thing I have ever endured in my lifetime has proven fruitful for another’s walk on this Earth because I allowed him to use it. Brothers and Sisters in the faith…do not waste your suffering, allow your Heavenly Father to use it to bring about good where Satan meant it to be for evil. Your choice.

As has become my default setting, I look toward scripture to find a solution to my dilemmas. Now you may think that there cannot possibly be a story in the scriptures that describes my circumstance and offers any kind of solution other than condemnation for thinking about death in a positive vein. You would be wrong.

“20. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or death. 21. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23. I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24. but is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25. Convinced of this, I know I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26. so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.”

Philippians 1: 20-25

 

To be quite clear, I am in no way equating myself with Paul, the writer of the above passage. However, his struggle of wanting to glorify God through remaining alive on Earth and his deep longing to be with Christ in heaven mirror mine completely. Another good lesson, if you are struggling with anything in this life then turn toward God’s word to find the answers. Its all right there and his saints have lived and struggled with the same or similar problems in their lifetimes. Scripture is always applicable regardless of the era but you have to read it, study it and write in on your heart so that when trouble comes (and trouble will always come) your soul can quickly point to the solution or toward solace. If you are enduring a rough patch at the moment then try to take comfort in knowing the answer is just sitting there waiting for you to discover. Not a guaranteed solution or a way out of the problem but the manner in which you are called, as a child of God, to deal with it.

 

Be well all,

Your perfectly imperfect friend

Who did you send to Hell today?

 

                Is this world truly wicked and bursting at the seams with evil, self-serving humans bent on singular gain? Well…there is certainly enough evidence to support that argument beginning with the first murder in the garden of Eden. Millennia has passed and we humans keep inventing new and horrific ways to hurt one another and in even greater mass. We could all likely agree that mass murders, acts of war, and destruction of an entire species are bad things. However, where do these big events begin? Where did the third Reich begin? Where do events like the bombing of Nagasaki and Hiroshima start? Where do the construction of grand barrier walls that quickly turn into unmarked tombs, such as the Berlin wall and the Great wall of China start?

                If you said political leaders, nations, villages, communities, religious sects or families then you would be in error. This is the key error that begins all the evil perpetrated in our world, the home we humans, all the animals and the flora share. If you tried to answer these questions by looking beyond your own mirror then you have already begun to contribute to the problem rather than the solution. Likewise, if you look beyond your own reflection for the answer to these problems you have again committed a grave error. Governments, religious leaders, communities and families can do nothing if your own heart is dark, cold or consumed by rage.

                Yes…the answer…the key to send evil on the path of retreat begins in your heart! Gee, doesn’t that sound so simplistic? Why then is evil growing and flourishing everywhere we turn? Why are children growing up with hate seeded deeply in their hearts? Why are there generations of humans whose hearts are stone cold before they reach their 16^th birthday? America had been known as the “Christian” nation but I fear that is in name only these days. Even we who claim the banner of Christianity cannot quite get on the same page with one another. True enough, the apostles had sharp disagreements with one another causing this one to go one direction and that one another but it was not due to “cultural” matters. Today’s American Christian can be found in bulk comfortable services where, like the Pharisees, they enjoy status and respect when holding a position in the church. At the very least we may enjoy anonymity in the mega church where nothing is demanded of our faith…except money.  

                Since humans are perfectly imperfect, we must expect and even anticipate that the devil will seep in with his lies to pump up the pride of our ego driven populace. As I have harped many, many times before, do not trust any human teacher 100% because we all are fallible…We fail. Simply put…we fail often… to shine for Jesus. God tells us, commands us to pursue him with ALL our heart, mind and soul. That means we must investigate the truth on our own.  

Perhaps Worse, is the way we have ‘Popularized” our churches to attract tithe going patrons while overlooking “little sins” or bury scriptural truths in order to broaden the narrow gate of Heaven.  There is but one way to have your sins forgiven…there is only one way to be welcomed into Heaven…Jesus. You cannot do one single thing to earn your way into heaven so that “no man can boast of his salvation”. Your salvation has already been paid for by the death of Jesus Christ. We are taught in scripture that works (our good actions) without faith are meaningless. This is telling us that you can be the best person in the world but if you are not saved then you will not see Heaven. Scripture also tells us that if you claim to have great faith but do not live it out by your works (good deeds) then your faith is dead. Sure, you will still be welcomed into Heaven because you are saved with the second scenario but you will have to stand before God and explain why your faith did nothing for anyone but yourself. You will have to tell your Heavenly Father why you wasted all the gifts and talents He wove into you upon your conception. You will have to explain to him why the thousands of souls  to whom you were supposed to be ‘Christ like’ too and cause them to come to Jesus’ salvation are now suffering in Hell. You will have to look your Christ, your savior in the eye and give answer for your dead faith. For certain, accepting Jesus Christ as your savior will have granted you access to salvation but when you turn around and see the thousands of souls your inaction condemned to damnation, how will you give answer for that? No, you cannot save anybody. Only Christ’s sacrifice saves the damned but he sends you and I out into the world to shine for him so his love can draw his lost children to him. We are supposed to be those lights, if we call ourselves Christian.

                So, what about the heart of the Christian that has turned cold and hard? Are you truly saved? Only God can read your heart so I would never presume to say this person or that is or is not saved; however, it is the person claiming the title of Christian but sporting a dead faith who does so much damage in our wicked world. Yes, it is the person clinging to the banner of Christianity but refusing to walk in Christ’s footsteps who is poisoning the well of faith. Being a fence walking Christian is easy because there is no commitment necessary and there is little demand upon your heart, soul or convictions. When the heat gets turned up on the Christian then the fence walker will jump to the side of popular opinion. When faith gets too hard…they will jump ship.

                Being a former therapist, I encountered a plethora of people who I categorized as “hand holders”. They wanted to be coddled, pitied, and given justification for never taking the steps necessary to move their lives beyond the hurt and pain they had experienced. I am in no way diminishing their pain and suffering but as a Christian, who has suffered deeply on multiple levels, I know that if you choose to remain stuck in the suffering then it will consume you. Satan uses it to destroy you and consequently make you completely ineffective or worse, toxic.  

I also met many people and I am even related to many people who have been hurt or who are hurting for some reason and have chosen to harden their hearts. I get it, I have been there and my heart was as hard a Christian heart can ever get but God broke me into little pieces and then gingerly put them back together. He created a being with immovable faith, rock hard perseverance and someone with a wee bit more wisdom than she had before the pain. Faith is the hardest walk you will ever take in your entire life. It is not for the weak or the faint of heart. If you ask the Lord, he will open your eyes to the most significant tool you need to get through the pain. Ask him to reveal the blessings. Ask him to see through his eyes and recognize the good instead of just the evil, pain, and suffering. It is always, there. I guarantee it.

 Yet, many folks cannot or will not see past the pain to glimpse the blessings. Yes, the blessings. There are ALWAYS blessings in every single painful situation. The pain may be so great, so soul-wrenching, so horrific that it is simply impossible to see the blessings…in the beginning. Yet, God will always be there waiting for you to see Him.  However your refusal…as time goes on…to see him will cost you and it will cost all those who love you. God sends people into your life at very specific moments for very specific reasons. Those reasons might be to help you or the reasons might be to help them in some fashion. Usually, we are brought together to help one another. However, there are moments in our lives where the pain is so intense that the person is brought to us. They are offering us their hand, a helping hand, an obedient hand of a Christian obeying God’s command to help. If we spurn that hand, if we reject that help from that specific person then God will not give up on you and he will send another and another and another. But this is key…it may not be the same person…ever again. You may lose the opportunity to be blessed because you reject the person/people sent to you.  That person was obedient, he or she will still be blessed whether you reject them or not BUT it is not them you are truly rejecting…you are rejecting God. You are slapping God in the face and telling him you don’t need his help while you beg him in your prayers to “fix the situation”, “to heal you”, “to heal a loved one”, “to get you a job”, or “to find someone to love”.  The trouble is we Christians do not know God. We accept what we are fed by our church leaders, society, our governments, social media, and the all-wise internet but we do not know ourselves or our Savior.

                As a result, when the “refining fires” come upon us we crumple because our faith is weak or hollow. Faith is borne of suffering. Anger and hatred are hard things to conquer in this life but so they must be if your heart is to thaw. God will not bust his way into your heart but he will give you many opportunities to grow your faith and perseverance. God does not serve up wisdom, faith, perseverance and Christ driven love like vending machine options. Instead, he gives us opportunities to grow each one of these in our hearts and souls. We have far too many hollow Christians with darkened hearts and dimmed spirits. These Christians may have been very strong at one time but are battle weary but the ones I have been encountering of late are ones whose faith is barely there, for they have no idea of who God really is or what place he should have in their lives. They are empty…because choosing the darkness is easier than fighting to reach the light. Yes, fighting because each step you take to living like Christ will cost you as the world belongs to Satan and he will use all his power to bring you down. He hates you because you are a child of God and he really hates God. What better way to hurt the parent than to hurt the child?  

                If you feel you are a hollow Christian…If you have a darkened heart and dimmed spirit…if everywhere you look you pass judgment and spew toxic hate…then I beg you…DO NOT TELL PEOPLE YOU CLAIM TO BE A CHRISTIAN! You are wounding Christ with each hateful thought, word and deed. He can take it….He can take anything we dish out toward him. However, how many are you turning away from salvation? Who have you condemned to Hell today? If you are a lost child of Christ, then fall on him and see his outstretched hands of love and forgiveness. If you are his lost sheep then use your pain to get closer to him and stop pushing him further away. However, if you do not know the salvation of Christ then I plead with you to seek him out in earnest.

(Note: I have deliberately omitted the scriptural references to encourage the reader to pursue God; however, if you are unfamiliar with Scripture and would like to be pointed in the right direction then just leave a comment and I will gladly provide you with the references. God bless and keep you, always in his light and protection.)

OBEDIENCE SUCKS!

 

            The moment we fight our way into this world we begin to rebel against obedience. We cringe at the very notion of relinquishing our will and power to another regardless of the reason. Even the most flexible and submissive among us have that rebellious streak that needs to be put into submission but not by another. There is no way any of us can become obedient devoid the threat of punishment unless we first learn to bring ourselves into an obedient frame of mind. More critical is to learn how to create an internal ‘fertile ground’ that will give birth to an obedient heart.

            Obedience is hard. I do not think many would argue against that fact because it requires us to admit, whether by force or through agreement, that another knows better than we do and; therefore, must or should be obeyed. Human dictates and demands for obedience aside, looking solely at our rebellion towards God is enough to make one’s head dizzy. A simple stroll through the Biblical stories takes the reader through the gamete of human emotions.

            Jonah is a fellow I can identify with as I have wanted to run far and wide from God’s plan for my life many, many times. Although, Jonah’s flight was unique in that he was not in fear of failure rather he knew his mission would succeed…and that is an outcome he simply could not bear. He ran, he disobeyed but God brought him around with a strong arm then a few gentle object lessens. Abraham and Sarah had obedience issues before Isaac was conceived because they did not trust the Lord’s promise to deliver a late in life pregnancy. Their doubt and fear led to the birth of nation that still fights against Israel today. Yet, Abraham demonstrated the depth of obedience when he was willing to return Isaac back to God just because God told him to do it.

            The number of times the Israelites disobeyed God is obscene and the consequences were grave. But even as I shake my head at them in disbelief I must admit that I have disobeyed the Father at least as many times as that nation had, if not more. Obedience is a vital lessen to be learned but obedience to God, the Father is one that must be honed like a great battle sword. It is not mere submission to an omniscient, omnipresent Creator. No, our obedience to our Heavenly Father opens the flood gates of Heaven upon us and everyone around us. Our obedience to God wounds Satan…every…single…time.

Obedience requires choice and in every situation in which we are called to obey our Father we can walk away or we can obey. In some instances, obedience is rather easy depending on our gifts and the circumstances. For instance, if I saw a wounded animal or person laying on the side of the street then my gifts and talents would lead me to help without thinking twice about it. I wouldn’t even think of it as being obedient to the Father’s command to be good stewards over His Creation or to help our fellow mankind. I would simply act. That would be easy for me but maybe it would be more difficult for another.

However, there is an element that will always make it difficult to be obedient regardless of who you are, what you believe, or what you profit you stand to gain. That element is…PAIN. Emotional, psychological, physical and/or spiritual (the worst) will draw you quickly away from the notion of being obedient to God’s commands. We humans are a hot mess that love to be in control from start to finish with few realizing we were never really in control at all. I am as guilty as the next person in my lust for control over situations that I have had little to no control over. Many of my friends and family can attest to the fact that I was a “hard nut to crack” for the Lord as I did not to give up that façade of any modicum of control I thought I might have possessed. It took decades of pain and suffering for me to finally realize that I had to stop swimming against the torrent. Things did not get any easier once I learned to swim with the tide but they did become far more productive for Christ’s Kingdom.

Even though I know beyond all doubt that obedience is always the best choice, there are moments in my life where I want to run from the path that is being opened before me. Not because I fear an unknown element but like Jonah, I know what lies ahead. I know I cannot walk the path under my own power because I am weary and heavily battle worn but I carry full assurance that Christ will stand alongside me and strengthen, inspire, encourage and direct me towards ultimate victory. Christ knows full well the cost of obedience and all of the agony that can accompany it but he also knows the victory it brings. No other understands how much we struggle with obedience because he always had the choice of whether or not to obey his Father and he chose to obey every time. If you go back and read the accounts of when he chose to obey you see how much it irritates and infuriates Satan and simultaneously bringing an outpouring of love from God. Obedience to God is a heart submission and we must conquer our own hearts first. Making our hearts and minds submit to our will first and foremost is essential before we can expect to have the ability to submit to other authority. How do we do that? Get into scriptures and He will teach you what it takes to reshape your heart in the refiner’s fire. Submerge yourself in his word and it will permeate every fiber of your being, every inkling of thought or perception you can conjure and every feeling you dare to feel. Truthfully, you cannot conquer anything yourself. Your armor is His word. No shortcuts…no apps.

Life is pain regardless of your beliefs or worldview. How you spend that pain will determine how you make it out. Obedience to our Father in heaven allows you to tread a fruitful path. Take notice, I did not say that obedience permits you to tread a pain free path.  Christians, do not be surprised at your pain, persecution and suffering. If our teacher suffered all these things then why should his pupils be spared from the same? Obedience brings fruit…not only in our own deepening faith but in our ability to shine (without our own effort) ever brighter to all those, even enemies, who are ploughing through the darkness. Our one act of obedience in that one moment in time might be the only spark of light another sees throughout the entirety of his or her life. Pretty heavy responsibility…is it not?

Living an obedient life takes courage, perseverance and faith beyond measure. Obedience brings ultimate power over our sinful natures and over the kingdom of darkness itself. Examine your earth walk and open your eyes to the areas along your path that have been damaged by disobedience and your own efforts to skirt around God’s will in your life. No judgement from me…just a call to recognize the potholes. I have tried to “hurry God up” many times and each time it led to heartache, disaster and/or failure. I have learned to listen first, seek his will and then try in earnest to be obedient.

My writings are usually spurred on by my own life events and this one is no different as I face a path being laid before me that I really do not want to walk but I know through my obedience…good will follow. Perhaps that good is for another and not me and I am okay with that too because I want my pain and suffering to be able to cast a wide net. If walking a difficult path means I will be able to draw more of the lost to Christ then I go willingly and with a hearty ‘pep in my step’. Of course, that is after I seriously contemplate hiding in a mountain cave awaiting the moment, in all due angst, when my spirit is finally called home. Alas, my family and friends have informed me that I have not stored up the quantity of wisdom needed to be a sought-after guru! At the end of my internal battle, I will obey and forge ahead in anticipation of who God needs me to meet and exactly where he needs me to go.

In closing, contemplate this question. How has your disobedience effected your life and the lives of those you love? Maybe it is time to start walking the other way?

Seedling

 

A single Seed I cradle protectively in my palm.

I know the perfect place to plant it.

A rich dark patch of soil lays in anticipation

directly beside the path.

I cup my hands around it

as I gingerly transport it down the steps,

past the concrete driveway,

beyond the gravel watershed to

arrive at the rich patch of soil.

 

A mid-spring rain has saturated the

Patch allowing a familiar aroma to reach my nose.

The life of last season’s flowers, leaves, insects and grass

have created a soil overflowing with essential nutrients for

this tiny seed.

 

A year’s time has kneaded, turned, mulched and beat

this patch of ground into a luxurious bed of life-giving

Energy.

 

All I need do is take my precious cargo

 and give it back to its Creator.

 

Freeing one hand, I gently dig a small valley

In the mound of soil.

Looking at the odd little

seed I ponder it’s circumstance.

 

I know it’s full potential but

It looks like an ugly shriveled

speck of waste.

 

How many others, I wonder,

would have tossed it out

because they were

 blind to its potential?

 

If I kept it as a treasure, then I would

be just as bad as those who

would throw it out.

I would deny it the glory it

is destined to become.

If I do not trust our Creator to take over

after I give it to him then it will always be

only a seed.

 

Yet, if I let it go.

 If I give it to him

then he will transform it.

 

I tilt my palm

allowing the seed to fall,

as if a pebble, into the dark bed

I had prepared for it.

 

I move the mound of

soil atop the seed,

pat it firmly,

say a little prayer then

I walk away knowing

God will be faithful to

His promises.

The journey it must now

endure is not an easy one.

 

Transformations are never

gentle, never easy but

 they always reveal more

than we ever thought

possible.

 

Daily, I look for evidence

 that my tiny seed

has started it’s journey

 knowing full well that

time

 is the most critical element

In growth.

 

Tiny, tender, green leaves

push the surface soil away reaching

earnestly reaching toward the Sun.

 

Fragile and young,

It has taken root.

Shadows shield its future but

it is not alone on this journey.

 

I will shield it from the hail, the wind,

and the terrible storms.

 It will be protected

from the harsh sun and the invaders

who wish to take it’s life for their own.

I will protect it from all harm,

for God

has entrusted it’s care to me.

It is my job to treasure it,

to aid it on its journey

so that it can fulfill the purpose

for which God created it.

 

God put us on each other’s path

to aid one another,

to grow one another,

to shield one another,

to love one another,

to endure hardships together,

to enjoy victory together and

to reach full Glory

together.

 

I have a Seed

that

Must be

Planted.   

 

 

 

RAGE

White hot anger
turns logic to run.
No wisdom can penetrate
that wall built of hate.

Born of ignorance,
Fear, victimization,
Lust, abuse…
Pain…Pain…Pain

Ears cannot hear
as a spoken word
only spears the
wounded heart.

Eyes cannot see
Images are
glazed in the charred
wall of negative
expectations.

Flesh can no longer feel
tenderness. Each gentle
stroke is a burning lash
searing a memory
that is not the
Owners.

Rage is built, constructed
stoked by its object or
by perception of
the nurturer.

Rage creates puppets
To pain
spreading hopelessness
and
fear of change.

Rage becomes a comfortable
expectation
excusing its holder from
embracing the change
they fought so hard
To ignite.

They walk right by the
moment that
would have brought
healing and joy
as they can no longer
recognize Love.

Forgiveness is for the weak,
naïve, and stupid. Love is but
a facade or tool to manipulate.

Rage…its reliable, ever present,
found everywhere and it is always
the same. We are comfortable with
rage and holding it tightly relinquishes
our responsibility to do anything
productive with the life given us.

Yes, rage is my friend. It is my fuel
and it makes others fear and respect
Me. I will use my rage to
Crush others into
Submission. I am right
Everyone else is wrong.

You are nothing but a tool.
Wasting your life with rage, for
He is a liar, a puppet master, a
master manipulator. Rage poisons you
and all those who touch you. The
louder your rage the less
others will hear. Each angry word
or deed puts a nail in your causal
Coffin.

If you have allowed rage to consume you
recognize it, own it, and excise it from
your heart and soul. For, it
is the tool of Satan and he
owns you if you
allow it free
range in your life.
Rage is Spiritual Death.

Faith…A Vain Pursuit or A Naïve Placebo?

You slowly traverse the last two steps leading to your door, insert the key into the lock and then pause for a pregnant moment. You stare intently at the handle thinking of the hardships the past year has presented feeling that familiar tightness in your throat. Distant sounds beyond the weathered door do little to spur you to action. Instead, your arm refuses the brain’s instructions to raise and grasp the doorknob. Rather, your mind leads you to the tenth of April when Cassey was diagnosed with an unknown ailment, whose treatment is not covered by any insurance. William and Elizabeth continue to struggle with crippling migraines as doctors proffer genetics as the causation while your spouse refuses to work or otherwise join you in supporting the family.
The burden has been overwhelming for too many years and the weight of it has crushed you beyond your ability to recognize even yourself. Today…today was the last straw in an ever-increasing load that has persisted for over four decades.

Tears gain momentum as they start a familiar journey down your cheek. Hard work, diligence, playing by the rules, honesty, dedication and perseverance afforded to a mega mart company for nearly a decade meant nothing. Sitting there across from colleagues as they uttered those reprehensible words… ”I am sorry, but we just cannot use your style of management in our reorganization endeavor” sickened you to the core. The rest of the rhetoric was mumbles and chirps of which all nonsense is made. Loyalty meant nothing in an age where money means everything. The journey home was a blur but now, standing here, staring at this handle knowing there are no solutions beyond it, no help mates, no comfort, no relief, no offer to reduce the burdens made an insurmountable task of turning the key in the lock. A guarded glance back toward the ever-present beater car in the driveway allowed the briefest entertainment of flight.

Furiously, you squeeze the last searing tears from your eyes allowing your spirit to throw your anguish and helplessness at your Creator’s feet. Scripture bites, which you have heard a million times before, bombard your soul and each tasting more acidic than the one before.

“God will not give you more than you can handle without his help.” “If God is for me then who could stand against me?” “Through Christ, who strengthens me, all things are possible.”

But the one that is bouncing off the inside of your skull like a wrecking ball and one that you know you will hear a million times over in the next week and beyond is the one that is the hardest and most ambiguous to hold onto,

“Have Faith.”

Your soul is screaming in protest that you have had faith through it all and yet weariness is the natural result of engagement in a constant state of spiritual war. Now, you love your God and Savior and have followed him through the darkest of times in your life and strolled contently beside him during those rare episodes of peace; therefore, the concept of having faith is not foreign or obscure to you. However, you also understand that most speak from a store house of empty notions basted in a heavy sauce of conflicted misunderstandings. Most well-meaning folks have no idea what they are talking about when giving advice in general but are especially daft in the realm of faith, God, and the notion of core beliefs. Ignorant haplessness is usually the motivator demanding the ‘comforter’ just, “say something.” The comforter is not trying to be mean, vague, or trite but their words can fall like water bouncing off Teflon or burn like acid to your core. The best comforter, by far, is the one who remains silent while offering a soft shoulder and gentle hug.
Some pain transcends speech to the degree that each utterance is a glowing hot spike driven into the soul of the listener. Whether you are a Christian or non-Christian matters little when you are trying to offer reason to the madness destroying friends and family. If the life and times of Job taught us nothing else, it clearly magnified the foolhardy practice of offering an interpretation of God’s will or meaning in the life of fellow believers. Our finite brains cannot hope to perceive the complex web of happenings, choices, and events that had to transpire to bring your friend or family member to this very point in time. Millions of micro moments and thousands of macro events occurred since Adam and Eve procreated that had to happen in order for the person sitting beside you to be there. There was no mistake, that person is sitting there with their heart breaking because all of these elements came together to make it so. Nevertheless, that fact does not mean that the pain was supposed to accompany him or her on that journey. No, pain is of sin and that was borne of the fall where everything in creation was simultaneously broken even down do the atoms that make everything move.

As I have said countless times before, most human pain is born directly of poor choices we ourselves make and then we have trouble dealing with the natural consequences thereof. However, there is a realm of pain that is borne through no direct fault of the person currently experiencing it and that type of pain emanates from two sources alone, 1. You are victim of another’s sinful choices or you are 2. Victim of a broken creation (caused by original sin). Yes, we now live under the redemption of Jesus Christ but he will not redeem all of creation until he returns and that is a day we Christian’s look forward too while knowing it is to be a horror-filled apocalypse for the unsaved. This single tidbit of knowledge, alone, should be enough to spur us to action. We should be heartbroken for every soul lost especially if we are not even trying to lead others to the salvation we languish within.

So where does faith fit in and how are we supposed to pull it off when the world/Satan is doing its best to crush us? From the moment of conception, we are using faith in the flawed form of humanity. Humans, without exception, will always fail us and we ourselves, without exception, will fail others. Hence, having faith is hard mostly because our first tentative faith steps have nothing to do with our creator but with the adults in our lives. Those adults, even the best intentioned and most devoted to our well-being, are going to teach us that having faith in another means disappointment and pain. The phrase, “have faith” is bantered about as if its originator is receiving royalties at its mere whispered utterance. Worse, in modernity it has no common core or goal. What exactly are we all supposed to have faith in these days? Certainly, we learn quickly that putting absolute faith in a friend and/or family member will lead to disastrous consequences. If our parents join in on societal norms and foster the myths of Santa Clause, Easter bunny, tooth fairy, and other fairy tales then our children learn we are liars, whose words are not always trustworthy regardless of the well-intentioned motives. I am not offering judgement on this issue as I grew up with all these fictitious beings as well and they serve as some of the best warm fuzzy memories of my childhood; however, there is a cost and that is trust. Some adults rip faith and trust straight out of the core of another with cruelty and selfishness caring little for the remnant they leave behind.

Society offers a whole new quagmire of experiences that will teach you that trusting in another and having faith in anyone besides yourself is akin to dancing among flames whilst doused in gasoline. Having faith in someone or something is a concept we learn to be very dangerous to our survival. So, how on earth can we look at this group of individuals who claim to trust in Christ and who wear their faith in their God like battle armor seriously? Are they not just delusional people consumed by their own naivete? Are they not just crackpots using this ambiguous idea of faith as an excuse to cop-out of life’s real issues? Isn’t it just their way to give excuse for all the darkness around them without a responsibility to act or be accountable?
A mere glimpse of this world and the people who occupy it would give vision to the blind that it is a wicked, cruel, self-serving creation that is headed towards destroying itself. Care to strongly reinforce this ideology? Become a historian who actively pursues God’s will for her life and you will quickly discover a deadly pattern of human behavior cannot be missed. Regardless of the efforts of modern “scholars” to spin it anew or the deliberate manipulation of events by armchair historians or politicians, the written history is a complex entity that should never be mistaken for pure truth or honesty. History does not repeat itself but humanity never, ever learns from its mistakes. If you are an American, then you may find comfort in knowing that nothing that our nation is experiencing today is different than that which has been experienced by human civilizations prior to our existence. On the other hand, it has only taken a little over 200 years for our nation to fall into complete and devastating debauchery. It’s kind of a record of distinction. Granted, it is a distinction of what should be shame but a great percentage of people in this country do not know what that means any longer. As scripture tells us, “they have forgotten how to blush.” Worse news, the current status we find ourselves occupying leads to one thing, collapse. Not ‘maybe’, not ‘only if we don’t do this or do that’ but it ALWAYS leads to utter and complete ruin of the nation. Look it up for yourself…I strongly encourage you to do this.

Having faith in one another is a game of Russian Roulette in which any adult has learned to distrust and be cynical even if the game was brief. Surely, there are individuals that can be trusted and are worthy of placing some degree of faith upon? Absolutely, but blind faith in any human is going to set you up for failure because none of us are capable of doing, saying, thinking, or feeling the right (motivated by pure intentions) one hundred percent of the time. We will fail, others will fail, all will fail because it is impossible for us to be perfect. Nevertheless, trust and faith can be had among our fellow humans. Just keep it in the realm of possibility and perspective. Breathing and living the sound realization that all humans are trying at different levels to be a positive or negative force in this world will aid you in making better choices with whom you will throw your support. Be certain you understand who you are following because you will be held into account for where you place your allegiance in this world. Whether you believe in a judgment day or not matters little once you get there but your steps are guided by your choice today.

Where does that leave us, the believer or the searcher, should we chalk up this faith and trust thing as something only practiced by naïve ninnies or is it more? Having faith is the hardest thing to live in this life because those who truly understand what it means and to whom they are placing all of their faith walk a path fraught with danger, cruelty, cynicism, condemnation and ridicule.

“If the world hates you, remember it hated me first. If the world mistreats you, remember they mistreated me first.” In Christ’s own foreshadowing words.

Why then do we expect our walk in faith to be anything but turbulent? The stronger in our walk/faith/beliefs we grow the more vicious Satan will attack. Having faith in God, is not weakness. On the contrary, it is the hardest thing you will ever do in this lifetime because it takes everything you have and more. Additionally, we are not suddenly bestowed great faith and trust in our savior upon receiving Christ as our savior. Nope, that is borne of hardship and suffering. When is the last time you met a wealthy, healthy, self-important person to be one possessing strong faith in anyone but him or herself? If you have it all here, then why on earth would you ever need to trust a Savior? What good will believing in God do for you in this lifetime? Ah, but there is the rub, isn’t it? God is not needed in your life now but you are only a whisper, a being like a summer shadow who is here upon this earth for a very brief moment and then…what? What is next? Do you just cease to exist? Well that is a great copout, isn’t it? If you are not going to be held accountable for anything you do here on this earth or toward your fellow humans, then what restrains you from blowing your neighbor away because he or she plays the music too loud after midnight? What basis of right and wrong, if any, are you working under? Is there anything, any choice you make or do not make in life that matters at all?

Lifetime achievement awards are meaningless in this worldview because all you have achieved is useless. Anybody you have helped was a waste of your time because his or her life does not matter. Your life doesn’t matter, their lives do not matter and the need for law and order is baseless. Go ahead and kill millions of babies to cover up your irresponsibility because their souls do not matter. Who cares if you live a life of pain and misery or one of luxury and indulgence? What does it matter if you are abused and betrayed? My right is right in my eyes so if I think torturing and killing you is humorous then why cannot I do it? If you have something I want, then what is wrong with me taking it from you? If I do not think you are worthy of your breath, then why can’t I take it from you? If we all go out like lights upon death, then why try at all? There is no purpose to anything, good or bad. Absolutely no meaning to what we pathetic humans endeavor to do each and every day except to play the overdone part of our ancestors over and again like a really bad B movie. That is what is happening today. Even among complacent Christians who use the copout, “It is what it is so why fight it?” Um, that is totally secular thinking people! As long as we have breath in our bodies, then each and every moment we spend on Earth should be used to fight Satan. We are never called to lay down our arms of faith to allow Satan to take over another vast area God has created you to protect. However, God does not expect any of us, who call upon him, to fight alone. Many are sent to join us upon our path so that they can gird us and we them in the strength and knowledge of Jesus Christ. Some will stay and become our strongest allies but others will bail when the battles become too costly. Basically, we will encounter each type of “believer” in Christ out there who Jesus clearly describes to his disciples. We must seek out those who have been planted in the rich soil because their faith is strong and deeply rooted. It has been well weathered through perseverance and hardships. We too, must self-check to make absolutely certain the soil in which we are lingering is still rich and fertile otherwise our use in the kingdom is greatly diminished. We can still claim the salvation of Christ and have dead faith. If we do not fulfill the purpose for which we are specifically created, then we will have to stand before the father one day and explain why we decided not to.

In summation, faith in Christ our Savior is neither a vain pursuit nor a naïve placebo. On the sharp contrary, it is an active, living, breathing demand to action, perseverance, endurance, and fruition. Faith is a strong verb or it is a dead noun. What exactly is faith in your life and what, if anything, should you be doing about it? Whether Christ returns tomorrow or whether he waits for a million years from now, your task remains the same because we are all called to have active, vibrant faith that is nothing less than the very reflection of Christ. Anything short of that goal means you still need to work on it, just as I must constantly work and strive to mirror Christ’s attributes. Knowing I will fail…repeatedly, does little to dissuade me from the task. Faith is for the brave. Faith is for the strong. Faith is a life calling that carries us into eternity. What do you have faith in and where is that faith taking you? I am certain where I am going and I know exactly who is taking me there!

Healing or Strength…for which should we Diligently Pray?

 

 

I listen to the scriptures everyday as I do other daily tasks. I read the scriptures as well but I have found that I can listen to scripture for eight hours a day plus when I do other activities so the time is well used. I also make certain to use various translations so as not miss something. Today as I was listening to the people clamoring to touch Jesus so they could be healed of their infirmity a new pattern of thought began weaving itself through my consciousness. The desperation and hopelessness these folks experienced, especially in that era, is well appreciated.              I, myself, spent much of my life begging God to take away my ailments and hardships so I definitely get the desperation to be healed. However, I had a thought today as I listened to these stories for the 1000th time that struck me deeply. The afflicted flocked to Jesus and in his love; he healed them at their requests. No one wants suffering and pain unless they are a masochist or flagellant. Yet, I know suffering has purpose beyond that which can be seen or experienced by the one who is doing the suffering.

Okay, so this is the thought, what if the people who begged to be healed and were then healed inadvertently diminished their earthly impact because their ailment was removed? To be sure, if the healed remained in Christ/God after being healed then they would still have an Earthly impact because God will bless their efforts. However, if like the nine lepers who never looked back after being healed, could we diminish our earthly impact by taking our own path?

I know in all certainty that if God had chosen to heal me decades ago then I would learn to lean upon my own strength and cleverness.  If I had been permitted to pursue my own life plans in a body without blemish then would I have grown in faith and wisdom? Would I have had the tools to help others as they struggled through their journey? If I had gone on to live a healthy, “normal” life with the ability to achieve praiseworthy human accomplishments then what impact would I have been able to have? I do not know the answers to these questions but I am thinking my impact would have been far less because I would not have learned how to depend upon the Lord. My relationship with my creator would have been shallow and empty because I would have depended upon my own strength and cleverness. My plans for my life were thwarted. My ailments could have been a permanent roadblock, and they nearly were, but once I understood each had the potential to reach large groups of lost and hurting people then I began to understand it wasn’t about me at all. My ailments were not curses or punishments; instead, they were keys to open the hearts and minds of the lost children who were flailing in agonizing fear. I am able to reach through the brick wall of fear, anger, and agony many surround themselves with because I have been on that side of empty desperation. I can reach them because of the hardships, heartaches, and pain I endured.

Each hardship and ailment that constructs the person I am only has purpose when I give them to God to use for good. Regardless of the depth of agony of any hardship, each has a boundless wealth of possible good. I sit here and reflect because I know that I would never have met half the people I have, nor would I have been useful for the Kingdom if I had depended upon myself all these years. Sure, pain, agony and frustration are not enjoyable but the diamond he is creating us to be takes a bit of pressure.

So, does that mean we shouldn’t pray to be healed or work toward healing? Absolutely not! We must always petition our Lord for healing and if he sees that it will benefit it us AND those around us for his Kingdom then he may grant our request for healing. However, he tells us time and again that he works best through the broken. If you look throughout history, the figures that strike us as the most impactful were the ones who overcame great anguish in some manner. Sure, there have been some pretty infamous individuals who impacted the world and that will always occur but looking at just one scenario, the holocaust…How many iron clad stories of faith and survival came from that horrific event? No, I do not believe God sent that upon the people but when they chose to allow God to use their pain for good then we reap the benefits within our own souls decades later. Our faith in enriched because of the thousands of who stood steadfast and true in the face of pure evil.

In our own lives, in our heartache, pain and fear we become angry and confused feeling abandoned by our creator. I feel this in earnest when the pain becomes mind numbing and soul crushing but that is only Satan trying to tear us away from our Father, which is why the pain is so great. I believe there comes a point in one’s life where you must decide that the answer to your plea may be no or not until you reach glory. We obsess in our Christian culture to bring healing to all if we can only have enough faith then it will be so. I think that borders more on the line of the ill advised friends of  Job’s, who had the nerve to believe they knew what God was doing in that situation. They did far more harm to Job than any of the ailments or tragedies that struck him.

Regardless of whether we pray for healing or not we should always pray for strength and wisdom. We should always ask God to squeeze all the possible good from the suffering we must endure or else it is wasted. Who wants to hurt for nothing? I have learned much through the years and I can see clearly where I have wasted my suffering and where I allowed others to remain lost because I was too caught up in my own suffering and anger. I did not care if they were lost, I did not care if they were hurting, I was angry and hateful to everyone especially God. I was so caught up in the fact that my mother was not healed and I was not healed that I could not and would not see beyond the pain. I wanted it gone regardless of the cost. Now, I see how tragic that would have been. My faith and wisdom would not be strong but worse yet; many who I have been able to reach may have been lost or become a bitter tool for Satan. Suffering can only be understood by suffering, which is why our Christ suffered so much for us. An alcoholic is not going to listen to anyone who has never even taken a drink! Just the same, someone in physical agony is not going to be comforted by someone who can only boast surviving a head cold. Suffering is a universal language but it can only be understood through suffering.

Back to the original thought, was the glory of God lessened because these thousands of people were healed upon their requests? Now, understand that this is not a blanket assumption because Christ himself told his disciples that the blind man was born blind so that his healing from Christ would bring glory to God’s holy kingdom. We, in our human understanding, cannot know the purpose of every ailment of every person out there. We cannot explain the heartache that suddenly takes a child from its mother and father. We do not know the reasons for all suffering but we should at least accept that the impact of suffering could be positive or negative depending upon whether we give it to God or hold onto it like a precious treasure.

Be certain to understand, I am not speaking of suffering caused by our own hands. God will certainly use it for good if we allow it but we must take ownership of that suffering because it came through our own conscious choice. For example, I was once over 500 pounds and I was miserable, in pain, sick, and angry. I blamed God for all of it but it was not God shoving food down my throat. It wasn’t God preventing me from making healthy decisions. It wasn’t God increasing the rate of deterioration of my arthritic joints. It was me, my poor choices, my decisions, and my plan for my life. I reap the harvest of those bad choices but the key to my suffering now is to allow him to use it all and work hard to do my part to bring my plans into perfect sync with my Creators. Yeah, if you have read my blog then you know and understand that my suffering and challenges have come in many venues and most of them not through my own hand; however, suffering needs healing. Sometimes the only healing our suffering has upon this earth is through the spirit. We accept the cross we have been asked to carry, get rid of the crosses we were never meant to pick up and continue to follow the savior giving him our all in every way. If we have ailments that were woven into our being in the womb then we need to not only overcome them but also squeeze every bit of good that can be pressed from them. If we are suffering through our own hands then we need to stop and rid ourselves of a burden that was not meant for us and help others avoid the pit into which we ourselves fell. If we cannot help them avoid it then we should help them find their own way out, for they will not take a proffered hand out of the pit.  Supply the instructions, the support, the encouragement and the ever-watchful eye towards Christ and they may chose to find their way back to the path the Lord plowed for them.

Now I pray the prayers of Christ in the garden and of Paul who both asked three times of the Lord that the cup of suffering be taken from them but also acknowledging that their prayer only be fulfilled if it served the will of God. Otherwise, we accept that the grace God provides is sufficient and pray in earnest for strength.

 

 

 

 

In Christ and in never ending pursuit of understanding,

 

Tina

 

Reconnecting with the Creator

 

Lay back, rest in my arms. I use a cool cloth to dab the heat and exhaustion from your brow, along your face, over your lips. Nothing else, just holding you and telling you how much I love you as I tickle your face with very light traces of my fingers. My back rests against the shade tree and you sit casually between my legs with your head resting between my breasts. We both are wearing light gauze shifts that gleam brightly in the evening sun.

“Rest, my love. Look around at all our God has gifted us in this one moment of time and just enjoy every sensation that discovery allows you. Think upon the eternal and not upon the present. See the slivers of paradise we have been gifted.” I whisper ever so slightly in your ear as I continue to wipe your hot flesh with a cool cloth. Your breathing is steady and so is mine for we are not trying to kindle a passionate sexual response. No, we are trying to transcend our physical bodies to become one with the energy all around us, which is strong, beautiful, obvious, and subtle. Time does not exist here so we can linger as long as our spirits require. That is what I want to give you, peace, relaxation, love, whispers of love, no demands, no urgings, just being completely comfortable with one another.

We recline upon a grassy bank under a huge shade tree as a babbling brook travels a path it has been carving for hundreds of years. Ducks quietly dip under the water to grab a bite to eat while their ducklings imitate their parents in such comical haphazardness that we laugh together. A cool breeze keeps us comfortable and we soak up all the wonder creation has to offer. The ducklings end up swimming in crazy circles trying out their new webbed feet creating a family dance that is akin to chaos but they are having such joy in the pursuit.

A delicate fragrance of the lily of the valley is carried on the breeze and it caresses our senses. Joined with another wave of lilac, rose, and gardenia, I think. It is not overpowering for each fragrance arrives in singularity as if riding its own strand of wind so that we can enjoy the nuances of ever flower completely.

The sky is incredibly blue with wispy white clouds streaked across the sky. It looks as if someone has pulled a ball of cotton into thin layers and placed them across the sky. Bird song signals that life is going on around us and we soak it all in. So many different songs are filling the place with enchanted melodies that we dare not speak and break the atmosphere of bliss. Instead, we sit here feeling each other’s presence but also feeling every piece of energy flowing in, out, and about us. It feels almost like the pulse of our blood coursing through our veins as the energy moves in and about us. It is electrifying and exhilarating. I am willing this moment to last for all eternity as it is serene, it is glory, and it is pure joy.

No words do we utter, for we just want to be a part of this idyllic scene. Instead, I place my hands upon your chest and lead you in deep inhaling, holding it, and then slowly exhaling. Again and again we repeat this pattern until every nerve and cell in our body is ready to receive all the new and wonderful information that is being sent our way. Now, we have joined the cycle and rhythm of the creation around us. Our life force moves in and out of one another but then goes beyond to join the dance of energy within every living being in this sanctuary.

We are there, in the moment, watching life happen. Nothing intrudes upon us and we become one with our surroundings. Small animals scurry about as if we are not there or if they have determined that we pose no threat. Birds land beside us to choose a particular twig that would adorn their nest perfectly. Occasionally one or two might choose the same adornment and have a bit of tug-of-war with it but one usually resigns and goes off to choose another.

The chattering of chipmunks and squirrels signals a minor debate amongst them but it is only comical to us, for there is no real conflict as the resources seem to be never ending in this place. Clean, clear, cool water runs freely and abundantly, the vegetation is lush with all sorts of edibles. A variety of fruit trees adorn the edges of the forest. I choose an assortment of these perfectly ripe peaches, apples, mangos, dates, plums, and a variety of nuts and black grapes before we sat down. Now I am feeding these fruits to you as you enjoy the view. Each fruit is perfectly ripe and dripping with sweet nectar but I catch every drip down your beautiful chin.
At the base of our shade tree I suggest we lay on a blanket I brought with us so we begin switching positions. You lie behind me and I lie with my back to you. You casually lay your arm across my waist and I interlace my fingers with your own. No words, no speaking, no sexual advancement, for this experience is to be in the moment without straining our energies in any way. Just being connected and yet still free to experience the scene around us in a way that is special to us as individuals and as soul mates. We need nothing from one another, for our spirits are communing with creation directly. We are just there to share it with one another and add our own spark of creation to the scene.

The last vestiges of sunlight filter down through the large green leaves of our shade tree l kissing our skin with the gentleness of butterfly lighting upon us. Its surreal in its perfection.
Nothing disturbs us, not even our own thoughts. We just enjoy everything that our senses are recording and allow them to document every nuance, every tiny detail from the small ladybug taking flight from the tip of the daisy petal to the spider repairing his web for the night’s hunt. A pine cone, heavy with seed, falls from its parent across the stream, scattering its seeds upon impact. The sound of its impact is not harsh; it is a climatic sound of life beginning anew. The impact sends a shower of pine nuts bouncing from their protective armor. A flurry of hurried activity commences as birds, chipmunk, squirrels, a field mouse and even a skunk come to claim the prize of the fresh fallen bounty.

A bird or two come and claim a seedling carrying it off to distances unknown. After the commotion, a small grey squirrel comes out to play with the pine cones and we laugh as it sneaks up on it and tackles it, rolling over and over again. Finally, it tumbles head over tail, down the bank and landing with a great splash into the water below. A rampage of irritation could be felt as the little squirrel protested loudly but it soon recovered, shook itself dry then began playing with the cone again.
About 10 feet away and to the left, a family of soft brown rabbits arrived to munch on the crisp green clover. They do not notice us or they have determined we are not a threat, for they begin to nibble happily. The young ones are hopping high into air playing with one another.

They run about their parents in what seems a chaotic manner but they are happy. They stop only long enough to grab a clover and quickly munch it down. Their parents savor each bite they consume, glad for the rest and the delicious meal. They seem to especially like the purple flowers within the clover bed as they consume them in abundance.
A couple of the baby bunnies tumble into the stream and hop quickly out as if shot from a cannon. We laugh aloud by the shock to the poor bunnies. They shake the excess water from them and now look like a child who is covered in mud but smiling ear to ear with delight.

It is an experience, and they are having fun. They quickly begin their play dance again.
To the right of us, and a little behind us, we hear a larger animal moving through the growth. We have no fear, for there is nothing that will cause harm here. We just wait to see what it to be revealed to us.
Deep orange and black colors push through the undergrowth to reveal a magnificent, fully grown male tiger. He is glorious as he stands and surveys the scene. There is a moment of pure silence as he announces his arrival then lumbers to the stream to drink his fill. Amazingly, the sounds of the grove renew themselves as if none of the others felt threatened at all. The beast plods off to our right and reclines as if to join us in our appreciation of the creation.

No danger, no fear, just being with one another; however, the energy in the grove has intensified to a level that skirts with that pain-pleasure threshold. A bit more noise from the direction he had just arrived reveals his lovely Tigress followed hurriedly by three cubs. They, too, drink and then join the male to enjoy a relaxing afternoon.

Two cubs tug their sire’s ears and one goes at his tail. They are mock growling at him and he is overly tolerant with their play. Occasionally, he will hold one down with his giant paw as it tries to wriggle from his father’s grasp. The tigress grabs one cub at a time and bathes them with long strong strokes of her tongue. Everything here is in unity, no stress, everything is in balance, and everything is as perfect just as our Creator intended. Suddenly, the tiger family decides to leave and lumbers back into the forest.
We are given this great gift to renew our spirits and we are trying desperately to experience everything. Soon, a stag deer emerges to drink from the stream. He is beautiful, carrying a mighty rack with no less than 30 points atop his head indicating his age, strength and virility. He paws and snorts making an unknown communication to our senses but then several doe join him at the water’s edge. After he drinks, he lifts his massive head and surveys every corner of this haven while his does have their fill. His power is intimidating but not threatening to us. Once the does finish, they begin milling about grazing on the tender grass and sweet clover. Remarkably, everything they consume never dwindles; it is just there until their need is filled. Once satiated, they hop across the stream to lie under a large long needled pine. The fallen pine needles provide a soft bed for all of them. Two of the doe are heavy with fawn. It will not be too long before they give birth. For now, they relax and the Stag stands guard until they are all reclined then he too goes to his knees to relax but with ready alertness.

He looks at us directly, intently, an unspoken agreement passes between he and us. Neither will bother the other and we can all enjoy this glorious place. The daylight wanes and ignites the sky in glorious shades of purple, pink, orange, red, and deep blues. It is glory. As the sky grows dark and the moon dances off the surfaces all around them. The filtered moon glow through the leaves of their shade tree caresses their skin illuminating the life spark within. It is so pure, so wonderful, that tears spill from their eyes as bliss claims them. No words are needed. He slowly and gently slides his hands to her breasts with no demands, just as a way of comfort to both of them. He cradles her softly, gently, lovingly. He kisses her neck then slowly lifts her shift from her frame, folds it up and places it under her head as a pillow. He does the same for himself and then lays back down and draws her closer to him. He turns her to lay her softly upon her back so he can stare into her eyes and she into his. Still there is no demand, just love and adoration pouring from one soul to the other. Total and complete merging of the spirit. He tenderly kisses her lips, then each erect nipple in turn. His erection signals his desire as it presses into her belly. His touch is exquisite but neither of them needs more at this point. They are reveling in the peace, love, and joy they have discovered here and would do nothing to break that reward so he lays down beside her and draws her into his protective embrace. Her head rests upon his chest and is lulled to sleep by the steady beat of his heart. They have become part of this moment in time, part of this swirling, vibrant, and abundant energy. The night envelops them allowing them to fall into deep slumber.