Why Am I?


Opening my eyes
greeted by my pups
yapping good morning.

I have to move,
I must get out of bed
and I think, ‘Why again,
did I want dogs?’ but then
their exuberant kisses,
happy eyes and wagging tails
quickly remind me.

I muster my strength
and pull myself to the edge
of the bed, simultaneously
praying for the ability
and offering praise for
each and every inch.

My pups cheer me on
until I am upright
wobbling my way
to the bathroom.

Putting on my robe
releases another round
of barking, but now in urgency.
I move as quickly as
my body will permit.

By the time I hobble my
way to the living room,
start the routine and
hook them to their
leashes they are
dancing in circles.

I grasp the leashes tightly,
grimace at the pain,
then open the door.
They bound outside
to find their favorite
spots then scout out
the yard for nightly
critter activity.

I descend the five steps
that lead to my home
stiff-legged holding
firmly to the leashes.
Walking to my favorite
spot, a lawn chair
providing a picturesque view
between several large,
beautiful trees. Wispy
white clouds are
streaked across the
blue expanse.

I praise God for this gift
and begin thinking. First,
I think of the tasks
that need accomplished,
the tasks that I would
like to accomplish,
and then the ones that will
actually get accomplished.

I dismiss the aches and pains,
and the spasms in my back,
while inspecting the ulcerations
upon my skin.

Now I have time to ponder,
“Why am I?”

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Paradise


Picture courtesy of Ajaytao.

Picture courtesy of Ajaytao.

 

A single rose
mid-bloom
enrobed in a
sparkling cloak of
morning dew
kissed by the first
rays of the sun.

Purity refracts from
this one to the next
until the entire meadow
is filled with a sea of diamonds.

Weed and flower alike
are gifted this
life sustaining
mixture of
water and light.

Paradise found.
Standing on the periphery
searching in earnest.
Her heart pounds,
breathe, her mind
commands.

Lungs ache as she takes
a deep breath of
pure, crisp air.

Eyes begin to well
as their earnest
search reveals
soul-filling beauty
but
not what she had
come to find.

Crumpling to the ground
heart conflicted
Paradise just beyond
reach.

“Please Father, let me in
for I ache to be with
him again. “

One more tear rolls
down her cheek
dropping to add
itself to the
crystalline sea.

“Child, in your
heart, you know
it is not
time.”

These words resonate
within every cell.
Nodding, slowly,
accepting this truth.

“The ache is so deep
the loss so complete.
I have forgotten how
to breathe.”

A melodic breeze

caresses her sorrow.
Strong arms
envelope her
she is safe.

“Awaken, beloved
it is time to
live again.”

Beyond this Moment


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Look up Child,
I am here.

Do not Despair,
for I have heard
your prayer.

In this moment
there is great sorrow.

I weep for you as you
as you stand against
the pain trying to reach
tomorrow.

I am beside you as
you take each step
beyond this moment.

I will carry you when
you haven’t the strength
or will to go on.

Giving up is not an option
Fight against the cruelty
of the night. I will lend
you my might.

Force your lungs to fill
with air. Dictate your
legs to stand. Command
your body, mind, and
spirit to move forward.

There is nothing
left in the past
It has expired and
cannot be changed.
Look toward the next moment
and have faith in my plan.

I did not deliver this pain to
you but if you let me I will
use it to make you shine
in the darkness.

This wound will heal as
all the others have.
Shaping you into
a warrior of faith
and perseverance.

Satan thinks each attack
upon you will be the final
death blow but your
resiliency makes him quiver.
Shivers of fear punctuate
his end knowing every
time a child of mine
makes a stand then
he understands that
he cannot escape his fate.

Move beyond this moment, for
he wants to destroy you.
Stand against the pain.
Stand against the sorrow, for
I am in your every tomorrow.

Look up, Child.
I am here.

Thy Will…not My Will…


Beauty after the storm

If I could I would will
your heart to mend.

I cannot.

If I could I would will
my life to end.

I cannot.

If I could I would hold
you in my protective embrace.

I cannot.

If I could I would hear your
melodic voice again.

I cannot.

If you could you would
wipe away my tears.

You cannot.

If you could you would say,

“Oh no, my darling, do not be sad”.

You cannot.

If you could you would
hold me in your protective embrace.

You cannot.

If you could you would
take away all my pain.

You cannot.

Farewell My Love


The following poem is dedicated in memorial to the only man I have ever loved, Ajay Mody (Ajaytao). He had a gentle strength that he generously shared with all. I loved him with my entire being and I will miss him with my entire being but I know I am blessed beyond measure for having found him against all odds and finding pure love. My darling prince died Sunday August 10, 2014 after a long battle with illness. Although, my heart is breaking I must be grateful for having known him because he taught me what it meant to love and be loved purely. You will never be forgotten, Ajay, for you reside in my heart forevermore.

 

I did not know my last, “I love you”, would
be the last one you would ever hear.
I did not know our last conversation,
would be our final one.
I did not know the last
times our souls touched
would be the final
embrace.

You helped me see slices
of paradise while
walking through
this dark,
broken
world.

You taught me the
full depth of love
You healed my
broken heart.
Your soul
called to
mine.

Your love, a surprise
Bliss was tangible.
Happiness,
possible.

You were my inspiration
You held me in your
gentle, strong embrace.
Whispered words
of love directly
to my
soul.

You loved me,
just as I am.
Revealing how
deeply God must
love me that he gave
me someone like you.
To love and to be loved
with an intensity
brighter than
the sun.

A Broken heart
remains aching as
never before. How
can I say good-bye
to he who opened
my spirit to feel
love? He who
walked through
the walls I had
carefully built
to protect my
heart?

God beckoned you
home. A call you
could not refuse.
In paradise you
reside without pain,
tears, or heartache so
I must rejoice for you
and that I joyfully
do but I miss you
my darling
love.

Farewell, my sweet,
sweet prince. My
heart and spirit
hold your
memory
now and
forevermore.

Torn Asunder…


 

Sometimes a lifetime
is required to
find another’s
true soul mate.

Two souls meant
for the other
instantly recognize
the other as the
missing half, the one
for which he or she
was created.

The helpmate, the lover,
the friend, the protector,
the servant.

Bliss is found, true happiness
abound. Each moment
spent in one another’s arms
feels as brief as humming bird’s
hover but as intense as a lifetime
spent together.

Each moment is precious, rare,
monumental, for you know time
is very brief for you to spend together.
These two old, wise souls are contained
within middle aged broken bodies.
Both accepting their
care as palliative and not curative.

Lovers lost for so long,
not looking for the other but
stumbling upon the each other
through God’s careful grace.
A great gift given to each,
this precious love
that eludes all speech.

One will lose the other
it is certain to be true.
They treat each embrace,
each soft or passion-filled kiss
as if it is their first…and last.
For only God knows the time
when he calls his child home
knowing one will be left behind
for a longer time.

“let no man tear asunder,” is
the preacher’s warning,
“that which God has joined together”.
But when God calls you home
it is a reward for the one whose
name he whispers, for pain and
tears are left far behind.
The other…left for a time.

Soul mates torn apart is a
woeful process, indeed.
Humanity’s words cannot
express the agony felt
as your friend, companion, and
lover begins to tread on
a road upon which
you cannot follow.

The tearing is audible within
the one left behind.
It is pervasive, complete.
Pushing and pulling air into
one’s lung is herculean effort.
Ripping, gouging, mauling as one
soul is pulled from the other.

They had become one
completely infused within
the other.

Pieces of the one are now
gone forever, leaving behind
an open, raw wound.
Lethal, such a wound be if
perpetrated upon the flesh,
but this is worse yet, for
it will not heal until
they are rejoined.

How can this grief be borne?
How can one survive without
the other? Foreknowledge
this day would arrive provides
no solace, no balm, no salve
for the broken body that now
holds the broken soul
left behind.

Each day, a burden once again,
each moment an eternity,
And yet…memories of that
love so sweet and pure
are bittersweet.
Immense pleasure and
pain simultaneously
coexisting. phasing in
and out of balance.

One in paradise, one left to
live out their lives in hell on
Earth. Why couldn’t time
stand still while they had
one another?

Why? The cry of agony would
have shaken Earth’s foundation,
for many have been
torn and… wait.

Bringing happiness
to one would bring sheer
agony to the other, who
has been waiting.
Time goes forward
and one day
will see both
he and she
back to
we.

Patches of Darkness


 

A figure crouched,
perched upon a fragile
slate ledge. Constructed of
doubt, fear, pain, betrayals.
Each layer more tenuous then
the next.

Darkness encompassed
her. Each movement
brought crackling sounds under foot.
Sending terror into her heart.

This dark was not the mere
absence of light.
It was tangible,
smelling of rotting flesh,
tasting of bile.
Deep moans of agony
arose from the depths
sending shivers
to rake at her soul.
It was not the
darkness of death.

Pain and suffering built
this prison of sorrow.
Death would be mercy
but
no mercy existed here.

No way out!
One shift could
shatter the ledge dooming
her to the depths.

Not moving would be
accepting this existence
allowing it to devour
her soul.

Opening her eyes
confirmed the blackness
all around.
From somewhere above
a falling stone bounced
off the walls of the abyss.

Her eyes opened wide as a
tiny pinpoint of light
pierced the void. It was
so bright and beautiful
that she sat up to
get a better look.

More stones tumbled
downward giving
entrance to several more
rays of light. She was
transfixed by the increasing
beams that began to illuminate
her prison.

Getting to her feet
ignoring the cracking ledge
brought huge pieces of the
wall down. flooding the abyss with
radiant light.

Tears streamed as
her eyes recognized the
form of a long
staircase leading upward
sitting only
six inches
from her precarious perch.

For the first time in forever,
she took a step
out of misery and toward
the light of hope.
Each step she advanced
filled her with wonder
and awe as the dark abyss
was being transformed
into a pure column of
brilliant light.

The air was sweet and crisp
with the fragrance of spring.
Every breath tasted of
honeysuckle renewing her soul.

Patches of darkness remained here
and there along the column walls.
A momentary look back toward
the perilous perch she had
occupied for so long
sent a shiver to her spine.

All she had to do was move,
take a step,
keep going.
So much time wasted.
So much suffering
So much agony.
For what purpose?

How many others are
clinging to their
ledges hoping things will get
better but choosing not to
open their eyes and see
beyond the darkness?

Eyes now transfixed upon the
distant exit she did not see Him
scurrying up the dark walls.

The next step she took
brought stabbing pain to
her legs.
She looked down to see
wretched claws digging into
her flesh.

He did not want her to leave.
He would try everything to stop
her from ascending the abyss.
He did not like to lose.

She steeled herself against
the pain, against the terror,
and took another step.

He was wounding her flesh,
clawing at her legs,
reaching into her body and
crushing her bones.

Tears streamed down
her face but she would not
stop her ascent. Each step brought
agony and resolve. He will never
win, I will make!

As She neared the top,
She collapsed upon the stairs.
She heard his malicious laugh
because he thought he had won.
She lay very still for a moment or two
sobbing in pain and from the burden
of suffering for so very long.

His laughing halted
when she raised her head
Looked back toward
where her legs had been.
They were gone,
destroyed by his relentless
attacks. Every movement brought searing
pain as deformed bone rubbed against bone.
He had destroyed her body thinking he
would crush her spirit and steal her hope.

With heavy laborious breaths,
“You will never stop me! You can
take my legs and destroy my body,
You can destroy my beauty and
cause my countenance to be
monstrous but you will not stop me!
Do your worst, for this body is but
a shell and means nothing to me.
I will reach the door and leave this
evil prison and you have no
power over me! You have
lost so return to hell
from whence you came!”

His dark expression shifted
from shock to fury and just as he
was about to lunge at her
shining figures began to appear
upon the staircase. One
upon each step reaching toward
her. As her eyes adjusted,
she recognized the figures
as all those whom she loved and
who loved her. Tears filled her
eyes once more but this time in
joy and happiness. The immense
love being projected toward her
caused him to lose his grip
and fall back into the abyss.

The figure upon the step she was laying
was the man who she loved more
than life itself. He took her in his arms
and kissed her tears away whispering
sweet words of love and devotion.
“My darling, you will never
have to fight alone again. I am
here to protect you. We are all here and
our love will carry you to the end.”
Each word he uttered was
salve to her brokenness. She
knew beyond all doubt that
nothing would stop her
from reaching the top now.

The darkness may claim her
broken body but her soul
would always be free.
The love and prayers of
all whom she loved
would sustain her,
would feed her spirit,
would gird her with strength,
and would fill her with an everlasting hope.

As her lover lifted her, she clung to him
desperately even though she
knew he would never, ever
let her go.

No matter the number of
battles in front of her
she knew with every
fiber of her being
that she had already
won.